THESE ARE THE FIVE STEPS approach to dealing with an only child:
Step1:
Self-definition – who are you, where do you fit in and you are not the ONLY person in this household or the world that matters. Self-assured and important, self-absorbed an selfishness need not be tolerated. Appreciation and consideration of others needs to be taught at home, in the family, even and especially if there is an only child in the unit.
Step 2:
Socialization – interacting with others, beside yourself is critical, especially kids their own age, friends and other neighborhood adults and families can also help. It is important for them to be and act their age!
Step 3:
Standards – sometimes children think they are on equal footing with the adults in their lives (in this case, you as the single parent) and they think they can set the rules and tone in your house. You are the adult and you set the tone and pace. This has to be made clear and adhered to with respect and obedience. Beware of being self-critical, a perfectionist and expecting too much of your kids. When they fail to live up to these expectations or fail they can easily get depressed and feel undervalued, even unloved.
Step 4:
Sharing – with peers again is a learned behavior, you shape over time. A playgroup, relatives of own peer and age group are all important. Context and opportunity to practice and master this skill has to be provided on a regular basis. Kids have to learn to share and not always have their way.
Step 5:
Separation – growing apart and growing up is part of life. You foster their confidence and willingness to let go by giving them the space to develop and become who they are. Do not smother or over-protect your kids. Foster their independence and help them become self-sufficient. ENCOURAGEMENT ALWAYS GOES THE EXTRA MILE!
Family live is like a social contract, flowing from both above and below. It is about mutual connection, permission, love, care and respect. Everyone in this new family will have the right and aspiration to be themselves and live their lives. This can sometimes cause friction in the household, especially if there is more than one child involved. NEVER COMPARE YOUR KIDS WITH ONE ANOTHER! Be fair to all collectively and to each individually. They each have their own special qualities and are unlike each other. Do not pit them against each other and help them cope individually with the changes in their lives and relationships. When kids fight it is often hard to stay ;neutral, even resolving it can be challenging in itself. Parenting books and sites offer great tips on how to deal with ‘sibling fighting and rivalry’
Each and everyone is responsible for a conflict and has a role to play in it – be fair always and get all the facts before leaping into action, outcome or discipline. NEVER TAKE SIDES. Teach them that it ONLY takes ONE to stop a fight! (and that it does not have to be you) Again, these coping skills and emotional maturity is fostered in the home and family.
DO NOT WASTE ANY TIME OR EFFORT ON WHO STARTED IT! Refuse to play the blame game and get the ‘difference’ resolved
A golden rule of thumb is to not arbitrate but separate! Avoid even seemingly fostering or leaning to one kid more than the other, this can easily lead to resentment, rebellion and loss of respect.
Open discussion, channels and communication should always be accessible and preferred.
Monitor all behavior, interaction, exchanges and potential for conflict, avoid and do not tolerate bullying or abuse (even verbal, emotional or physical!)
SAFETY always comes first – remove the threat of violence and equip them with the expression and opportunity to ‘voice’ their discontent, true feelings and problems to you and each other and get things resolved. DO NOT LET CONFLICT SIMMER, RULE OR THREATEN TO TAKE OVER YOUR HOUSEHOLD AND FAMILY. Everyone will e emotional and handle situations differently. Some take longer than others to cope with sudden change, loss, new things and people around them etc., Allow each of your kids the breathing space and room to work through things at their own pace.
Role-models from outside the family can be a great way to foster your kids’ growth and independence. Pick someone you trust to ‘fill’ these entrusted shoes. It will never ‘replace’ the missing parent, but it will provide the opportunity to learn valuable life-skills and a form a special bond and connection with someone else as well.
Models and stereotypes affect lives of our kids, peer-pressure and social demands can be overwhelming. They will always need someone to talk to and it might not always even be YOU! If you want to protect your kids against bad influences and getting the wrong idea about life, roles and responsibilities, acceptable behavior and choices, an outside role-model (family-member, friend or Big Brother /Sister might help). Playing team sports can also be a great way of interacting with others and building a trust relationship with another adult, like the team coaches, referees etc. Encourage making connections with others, while always teaching kids to be safe when it comes to strangers. Who to trust and what not to allow.
Do not allow the television, computer or other ‘games’ to encroach on family time. It is not another member of the family. Have a TV-free night, where you play board-games, do a fund activity as a family together for example, talk, listen, share, laugh and have FUN!
Also be alert as to what children as watching, what the message and ‘entertainment’ is teaching them about life, themselves, how to treat others etc. How is it influencing them? Are they spending more time with it than with you, each other, living their lives, interacting, speaking, listening to you and each other/others? DO NOT LET TV BE AN ESCAPE OR SAFE-HAVEN! IT DOES NOT RULE YOUR LIFE! Take back the control and attention of your family time!